


Generally Ignorant

by Portponky



Category: QI RPF
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-23
Updated: 2013-01-23
Packaged: 2017-11-26 13:11:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/650858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Portponky/pseuds/Portponky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What will we learn from our kind master Alan Davies? Will he perhaps teach us all about polyamory?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Generally Ignorant

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kahvi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kahvi/gifts).



doobywoop  
badoobywoop  
darrreeee dee de de de daaaaaa  
de dooo dah doo dah deeeeee  
(theme tune)

It was QI. Stephen Fry was there, leading the QI. The cameras were rolling around and the studio audience were about to watch.

Stephen transformed in to host mode and welcomed everyone to the QI. “Welcome to the QI,” said Stephen, “on today's show we have our special ultimate guest stars, Rob Brydon,” he said wobbling his hand in the direction of Rob Brydon.

“Hello there” said Rob Brydon. He was wearing a suit and lederhosen, the traditional socks of Wales.

“Graham Norton,” yelled Stephen like a circus act and did more hand wobbling.

“Top o' th morning to ya,” said Graham Norton, his long ginger hair bemming out from his green uniform. Yes, bemming.

“And on the other team,” lectured Stephen, “we have Jo Brand,” he said wobbling his other hand this time.

“Jo Brand” said Jo Brand. Well, she didn't really, she said “Hello,” but that's not important right now.

“And as usual, Alan Davies” said Stephen, now wobbling both hands at maximum wobble speed.

Alan gave a shy and gentle wave, his fine, shiny hair falling over his hair. He was so beautiful, almost like a crystal or a rose or a dove or something. “Shut the fuck up, Alan” said Stephen, scowling at him.

Stephen introduced the buzzer noises which were all the sound of different shoes being made, except Alan's buzzer which was the sound of a cat in a bath. “Without further mucking about” said Stephen, subtly pointing at and implicating Alan in the muckery, “let's get on to round one.” He twinged with readiness.

“Starter for ten, what M is the act of dissolving a morally bisturbile sample of metal in to a fourteen inch high container?” asked Stephen, as if it were easy to ask such a question. The sound of shoes being made filled the room: Graham Norton had bopped the top of his buzzer button with a shillelagh.

“Is it Me Lucky Charms?” said Graham, doing a little jig with a big grin.

The klaxon honked like this: Weeeeeeeooooooooo, weeeeeeeooooooooo! Graham Norton had lost ten points and he crumpled in to a rapidly disappearing quantum of humanity.

Jo Brand was about to get sarcastic when Alan Davies popped up with a witticism, “I guess that's the luck of the Irish.” It rolled off his tongue like a dew drop falling from a diamond. Stephen scowled at him more and said “seriously Alan, I've almost had enough of your shit.”

“Anyway on to the next question,” Stephen (Fry) said, introducing the next question, “what on Earth is polyamory?” Rob Brydon threw a leek across the room.

Jo Brand said “Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrse” at Stephen.

“I'm sorry dear,” begat Stephen, “but that is the wrong answer. In front of us we have a prop. It's a canoe. This is no ordinary canoe, though, it is the polyamory canoe. Can we use the canoe to demonstrate polyamory?”

Alan thought in a shy moment of fragility. “Well, let's say I, Alan Davies, was in a relationship with Jo, that would be heterosexual.”

“It would be modestly heterosexual,” said Jo Brand, “dick on legs.”

Stephen looked at Alan and breathed deeply, his mouth dry with anticipation.

“Now,” continued Alan, “say we agreed I could also have a relationship with you, Stephen.”

“Yes, Alan,” said Stephen, his voice deeper than usual, “gooood.”

Alan began bumping his index fingers together. He was so potent right now. “Now that's fine with all three of us because we're all mature adults. There might be jealousy issues, but we'd have to talk through them and work it out together. And it's not about having a dirty sex, either.”

Stephen began to bounce up and down in his chair. Alan continued, “it's about free, romantic love. Love doesn't divide up like a Mars Bars. It's not a liquid that you can run out of, like fabric softener. It's more like... uh,”

“You're doing really well, Alan,” said Stephen, “I'm really proud of you.”

“It's more like water from the tap,” Alan pontificated, “you can drink it at a specific rate but the tap never runs dry. Mahogany is a social construct. There isn't one specific way to experience romance and love which everyone must adhere to. For example, say Stephen wanted to began a romantic relationship with Jo-”

Stephen slammed his fists down on the desk and stood up, “that is NOT true!” he yelled and then in one mighty, angry motion he flipped his desk over. He bounded over to Alan Davies, picked up his gentle, delicate body and threw him a clean hundred feet through the air right in to the middle of the studio audience. Shock and bewilderment appeared out of everyone.

Stephen roared in a terrified rage. Jo Brand, Rob Brydon and Gordon Ramsey had all run away already and the curtain fell from the ceiling. The final sounds the studio audience heard were the sound of a cat in a bath and the sound of Stephen Fry sobbing and making a speedy getaway in a canoe.

That was the last QI there ever was. After that, a lot was different for everyone ever, but we all knew a little more about polyamory thanks to the wise words of Alan Davies.


End file.
